Im grateful that anna would put together al of the things that have been going on for the past few weeks. While I like to write I have found my thinking is not as clear in the past bit than I like. It has been an interesting experience to require such huge doses of morphine to simply stop the aching and pause the tears. The mucositus has been well probably the most acutely painful thing I have ever experienced. The pain meds have been pretty good at covering but it never ceases to amaze me what those moments, minutes, and hours between the pain increasing and the dose increase orders being written, really can be. The tongue is in a more manageable place but I can tell my gi track and stomach are in the beginning of a very long path. Other than that I have spent the past 6 days now asleep around 20 hours a day. It is a crazy thing to actually ache from the fatigue. I know with my counts rising I will soon have more consciousness and defiantly look forward to that.
Each day I try to get a little out of bed time. yesterday I walked a few laps and did a few steps on the set of therapy stairs they have here. I have to say the walking even just a lap or two around the floor is much more taxing than normal chadwalking it is much more reminiscent of trail running, or the energy required for a mile run per lap. Crazy that in just a few weeks what the body struggles with. On the other hand I am grafting (taking in a new cell system) I have to say that it does feel like that is more taxing than I had even thought were possible.
Its an interesting thing to finally be at the bottom of that trench I kept running next to for so long. The view is not quite what I expected, its quieter here than i thought it would be. Its like that deep silence that comes when you lat at the bottom of a pool. Its as if you start believing that the outside world is not tangible like this new found place is that of solitude, though its not. I am grateful that here in this place I have such friends that pray my safe retrieval. I am eternally grateful that I have a wife that sits here with me with eyes that still shine with the knowledge of what I will be after this, and not swayed by the day to day or the numbers that will be.
I guess this is about as good as it could have been to go off of the path of normalcy or of life, and drop into this transplant. I couldn’t imagine a softer fall, though it has been great and in no way easy. I am constantly reminded while I am here at the Mercy that is had for me in being able to survive it in this fashion. I think of the families that have prayed there sons, daughters, brothers and sisters through this great fight. It is a beautiful thing to feel that energy here, that we are in this fight together, that all of those prayers do not go in vain. I can feel a great weight that comes from being blessed and allowed to live through this. I have watched so many suffer greater pains in this battle and in their goodness find that their path was not to be finished here. Each day that I find myself suffering I count myself lucky that at least I am still able to fight and that I am just so grateful for all those that continue to choose to fight with me.
So for the next few weeks I will work each day to walk so that I can keep my lungs clear and my gi track healthy and moving. Other than that I will rest and pray with all of you that my body takes well to the new cells that are taking root within me. Don’t worry if your wondering if things are hard, they are. If you r wondering if everyday for a moment I will shake with all of my being in this fight, be assured, I will. But also know this, I am still here, I am still fighting. This I believe is not my time, and if it were there were plenty of ways I could have been done before. This is rather a great time to fight, a great time to learn to live again, and wonderful time to count the blessings that are still being poured out. Please know of my gratitude, thank you for the calls, texts and messages, they still have such power with me. And as always : Have Heart C is Still for Chad not Cancer
3 comments:
As always, beautifully felt and written. As General MacArthur said, "The enemy is all around us, to the right and to the left, he is in front and behind........this is wonderful... he can't get aay this time, we will fight and win!"
Chad, you document so well the process, agony and the hope that goes with a transplant. Probably the worst thing about the tranplant process is that dang mucositis....it is the pits...and yes you sleep so much hoping that you wake up the lesions will be gone. But the up side is the counts will come up and when they do those lesions seem to disappear so so quickly. You are still in my thoughts and prayers. Ann
Many are praying for you and Anna here in Hermiston, too, Chad.
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