I remember sitting in the sand looking out to the ocean. Just hours before my life had changed drastically, and as I took in the landscape I scarce found the strength to breathe. In those precious hours between hearing the words and coming to some sort of terms that it was real, I remember so many thoughts and fears came to mind. You cant really begin to wrap your head around It right away but its there each time you wake up, just waiting to be your new reality, waiting to take you.
And yet in this I remember a deep feeling of purpose beginning to emerge. You see days before I had decided I would be leaving Hawaii for good. I had been so sick for months and new very distinctly that I was ill and was fairly certain I was in all actuality dying of something. The news was nothing less than shattering but in it I found an answer I had sought for with the urgency of my fading self.
While with so many trials in life there is a directive that we must endure solely and faithfully this news brought with it a message that for the next year doctors, nurses, and a whole team would be doing there best to bring me in from the darkness. For the previous months I had been alone in a place of loss and struggle and now I would be receiving the much needed attention.
Each phase of this journey has had its difficult moments, periods, and climbs that have been unbearable. I have found that while the physical lashing offered by the inpatient chemotherapy is devastating it has not equaled the strife brought from the day to day living with the outpatient regiment. I realize now the constant caretaking found in the long hospital stays offered a bit of consistency even in struggle, that was manageable. But admittedly the fight for existence out of the hospital involves so many other facets before unseen in some way this is understandable.
I share this with you to show the situation in which I have found myself in for the past many months so that you might better understand the gratitude I have for the graciousness you have extended me. Sarah shared with me the fundraiser idea some time after its creation and words can scarce capture the peace it has brought to me.
It is not simply that from this there has been a reduction of some of my bills related to this fight but rather the gesture made by those I love, and also by those who just are loving. There is a sweet feeling when in your darkest hour someone can sit with you and be present. While this is for obvious reasons not always possible the outpouring of love and support from this has helped me on multiple days that were just that.
While I cannot thank each of you personally for your love and sharing with me please know that each of you have impacted me for the better. This battle has so much time still to wage and I am grateful to know that so many are mindful of me in this great time of need. I pray that for each of you life is rewarding in the ways that you so desperately need as well. Thank you now and thank you always for the light each of you share with me continually through this dark time.
