the taste of chemo and the sting of procedure.

The initial wave of anything always takes you by force.  It seems though even when you know what you are up against the things that you have defeated once before often are just as difficult to manage time and again. 

Today I can feel the chemo beginning to take effect.  My mouth is forming a layer of dying cells and the flavors of a few nights of chemo are beginning to really create an aftertaste of just sweet chemoliciousness. 

However the most noticeable change I feel is the physical depression that accompanies so much cell death.  There is something about the destruction of so much in your body that leaves you in so many ways just spent.  In a few days my white blood cells and red blood cells will no longer exist.  Neutrapenia is the goal of these doses, and we are on schedule for the fallout. 

Other than that the biggest thing on the docket today is the lumbar puncture (LP).  This will be a procedure in which a long needle will be placed through my inter-vertebral space in order to gain access to my spinal canal.  From this they will aspirate a selection of the Cerebral Spinal Fluid (CSF).  In its place Methotrexate will be inserted so that it can fight any potential cancer in the brain fluid.  Once labs come back from the sample it will be determined how many doses of this treatment I will need. 

You will have to forgive me for my lack of zeal this morning.  The Lp’s are of all the procedures in the hospital, the most dreaded for several reasons.  It will take some adjustment to this new found physical state to really feel quite settled I think.  At any rate there is goodness abounding.  I am so grateful for the excellent care I am receiving from everyone here.  I also take solace in knowing that the most difficult of the procedures and other complications in life will get taken care of in a 24 hour period.  Granted I will have several of these but this one will be behind me and us quite soon. 

Also I am excited for the return of my love.  She is just days away from joining me in this battle and not a moment too soon.  Pray for her safety if you will, and also for the condition of her heart.  Those that know her know of her beautiful soul and ability to care.  However with this the burden will be something new to manage.  I am so grateful to her and for her and know she can rise to the task. 

Alright, well I am beginning to dose off but wanted to get this off.  I hope whatever it is you are working on today, you will find confidence in and the strength to overcome even the smallest of things that beset you. 

Take care and Have Heart- c

To my friends and family, the doctors and staff who will treat and the onlookers who will only know this great story from afar I would like to say a few words.
In every life there are moments of great crisis. Moments that cause us to shake from our very souls and reach deep within that we might find a way to persevere. For 1000 days I have spent time trying to complete just such a feat. How do you continue when your kidneys fail? How do you have strength to continue a regiment when it is unknown whether or not in its completion you will be healed. How do you keep focus as the fellow fighters around you are called into the next life to continue their greatness. And how is it that in the greatest moment of darkness that we continue onward.
I have struggled with this as each of you have and will in your own lives for some time. And while there have been days of great seeming danger, of almost certain end and of a definite excuse to throw it all in I have this to say. I have faith in Jesus Christ. I am very conscious of an All knowing, All Loving and ALL Powerful God that is not only aware of my struggle and yours but is wanting for nothing but Greatness for each of us. We each must come to a place within that we can trust. From this moment onward in my treatment there is no option for anything less than complete confidence in His plan, in His great wisdom and in His Great Love and Compassion. I am so grateful for all of the blessings that he has seen to give to me. Throughout every day of this journey I have seen the Savior in his great warmth around me. He has given me so much that while there will be days that I will shake with pain, that I will not understand from the great darkness that chemo affords hwo I can even think to press forward, I know he will carry me.
For all who read this and wish to be a part of this journey I say Have Faith. Listen to his Love and Fear not for Our God is Great. All of you must know there is no Loss in this. There is no day no tear, no drop of blood, no dose of chemo, not the tiniest of feeling that He did not already suffer for each of us. I would wish this great battle upon no one but am greatly Honored to fight with those who are currently entrenched in battle. I am honored to share in the same great diagnosis of my fallen and one day Risen comrade Donny Querin. I pray in this war that I may demonstrate just a fraction of the GREAT FAITH AND DEVOTION HE CARRIED AND BECOME EVEN A GLIMPSE OF THE MAGNIFICENT WARRIOR HE WAS AND IS.
And I say to all of you who still fight, who will join me in this great eve when there is nothing we hold onto but faith, I say pray. I say thank God that He has given us His son, that he has given us Love. We do not go into this alone and there will be no moment too great; that His love will not be sufficient. If you have things that keep you from feeling this, you have not time to wait. In this moment of great calling there is the choice to be made. If you will join me I want you to know that in my camp to be a part YOU must believe, you Must have faith and you must trust.
Each of us must have struggle, this is my great cross to bear. Do not have sorrow for me but joy. Know that even through the tears that fall now, I know that I will only be blessed in this great endeavor. And I want also to say how grateful I am to each of you, for each of you and for the example you are to me in your own ways. I have made it here through this 1000 days not by my own strength but by the faith and help of those of you around me. You have prayed for me, held me and guided me through. And so I ask again in this great hour of preparation. As I go into battle forget me not. Forget not the fallen that have gone before and stay with me as I fight. There will be great need for support for not just myself but I pray you will keep in mind those so near and dear to me. Please keep my family in your prayers. There will be great weight carried by them in so many ways. Financially the burden will be great, and so will the emotional support required. And to my friends – thank you, whether you held me through the last great battle or in prep for this one, you are a part of my soul. I love each of you and know that even in this difficult moment, I am a blessed man. Have faith.
And I want to give a special thanks to my beloved, my beautiful Anna, who even now is serving our Great Lord in Germany. I am honored that she would love me and be prepared to join me through this. Please keep her in your prayers, and hearts as in the next few weeks she returns to california. The next few years will be most taxing on her. We will need help financially and emotionally as she will be my full time caretaker through this battle. The bills will be thousands of dollars monthly and our full time occupation will be the survival of me. It is hard to ask for help knowing that I will never be able to give back what is given. But with this I know that we cannot survive without the support of each of you. And I also know that I will never be able to thank you for whatever sacrifice you can afford but know this. Every dollar given will ease the pressure and help. Every tear, hour of prayer, phone call, time spent talking with me, will be used by me to survive. I will not be able to give thanks but know that my fighting is my gratitude that as I lay in the shadow of death the love given will be my fuel.
And in case you really are joining this battle for the first time there is something you must know. My name is Chad and I am a SURVIVOR. Depression has not stopped me. A broken back did not slow me down. A father leaving did not dishearten. 3 years of chemotherapy did not kill me. And the hundreds of thousands of dollars in bills has only left me begging the question. Is all you got? 3 years ago I stared this journey. Cancer has not knocked Once, it has not Knocked Twice, it has knocked Three times and in this I have this to say.
Cancer Know your place. Know that My God is great. Know that I will Win I will NEVER SURRENDER, and my body may wither it may be ravished, BUT MY SOUL WILL CONTINUE TO SHINE. My name is Chad Hickey I am the Son of a King. Have Heart and know :
C is STILL for Chad Not Cancer.


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Margo Thompson
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Bittersweet Victory

3 years ago I started out on a journey to complete this regiment. Today I am done. After thousands of pills and IV's and Obstacles, I am done. I am afraid however the beauty of this moment is overshadowed by new information. This morning for my last day of chemo I underwent a bone marrow biopsy. My platelets have been very low the past few weeks and I had been concerned. Today at roughly 2pm I was re diagnosed with Leukemia. There is a 50% blast count in my bone marrow and treatment ironically will need to start immediately.
I want to say something for the record. I am grateful to be alive. I have stood and fought with great warriors and friends through these storms. This next battle will be nothing short of horrific but I find peace in knowing that Angels do surround me. I am grateful for the love and support and know much more will be needed for the next chapter in this great tale of adventure.
I also want to publicly thank the doctors and staff at UCSF for the amazing to date treatment, and for what will come next. Further more I want to thank my roommates from the past few years, my friends, my beautiful family and the mentors and loved ones who have guided me through this darkness.
I have no doubt of the tears that will flow and that currently are. I am grateful for your heartfelt prayers and comments. I also wanted to let you all know that after nearly 3 years of treatment, a second cancer and all of the complications between I am confident in two things.
The Lord Loves Me
And
C is STILL for Chad Not Cancer.

Have Hope- Chad

If you are in Fresno tomorrow (fri) there is a Celebration at Maroo (bullard and west) cause while this all sucks, we still need to revel in the first victory-

And to my Tri Team- On Saturday and at Wildflower, Know I am grateful for your struggle, for your service and for your love. GO TEAM!