Day 2 (6.15.2010)
So I thought I would give anna a break on day 2 from writing but am so grateful for her really great ability to share our life and love. Um so day 2 consisted of two doses of full body total body irradiation (TBI). So a little more about this process, if you were wondering, its pretty intense I have to say but it has a great team that manages the floor and are great about helping in all they can. So the idea with TBI is to destroy ALL of the bone marrow in my body. For this there is a procedure of standing in a metal cage like apparatus. It has all these hooks and chains like a torture chamber but is less sketchy when they wheel out the tv and ipod player. Anyway so I stand in my skivvies and put on a chest harness which allows lead blocks in the shape of the top half of my lungs to hang on my front in back. They then turn on the machine and from across the room I have a diamond shape of radiation shot through me. The dose they are giving of TBI is the most radiation given in any treatment of anything and is a very small percentage of the radiation done here, around 1percent. So far the reactions have been uncontrolled nausea which as of today has been a wee bit more manageable and I even put down a fair amount of Mcdonalds! ( I know sounds gross but if you haven’t had food or water in 2 plus days, youd be stoked too)! During the doses you stand in the cage and don’t feel any pain but at different times will be overcome with nausea and or complete fatigue which means you can fall etc. something about standing for 40 minutes in front of a machine which will do enough damage to cause literally months in bed and be a part of a 30 year shaving of life expectancy seems to really take effect.
But I have to say with all of this I have really been so happy. I mean I know what is coming next week, the largest dose of chemo ever, and a transplant will with this become the most treacherous thing I will ever encounter, but I feel so blessed I spend less time scared than I do smiling at my wife and wonderful health care team. Granted the nausea and ups and downs can take it out of me but I have found beautiful moments of clarity between the dry heaves and find such joy in knowing that I have such a loving and nurturning wife by my side. Interestingly enough when I took my ring off for the first dose, I did not get the soap all the way off in a section around my finger. Well turns out really anything on your skin does react, so I have a permanent skin spot I guess which feels like my ring is always on, its nice in some ways because I cant wear it, but have to remember to scrub EVERYTHING!
Also I wanted to express my thanks for all of the outpouring of support for the wedding, the move, stem cells, the cancer fight, and just the love shared daily. I have said it so much before but will reiterate the truth in the fact that the love IS what this about and the thoughts, messages and visits do make the days where anything sounds like a better option just that more do able. Thank you always and know of my hearts deepest gratitude, and also of that of my lovely Annas’ gratitude for the wonderful support even though so many do not even know her well. I pray we may be as graceful-
