The initial wave of anything always takes you by force. It seems though even when you know what you are up against the things that you have defeated once before often are just as difficult to manage time and again.
Today I can feel the chemo beginning to take effect. My mouth is forming a layer of dying cells and the flavors of a few nights of chemo are beginning to really create an aftertaste of just sweet chemoliciousness.
However the most noticeable change I feel is the physical depression that accompanies so much cell death. There is something about the destruction of so much in your body that leaves you in so many ways just spent. In a few days my white blood cells and red blood cells will no longer exist. Neutrapenia is the goal of these doses, and we are on schedule for the fallout.
Other than that the biggest thing on the docket today is the lumbar puncture (LP). This will be a procedure in which a long needle will be placed through my inter-vertebral space in order to gain access to my spinal canal. From this they will aspirate a selection of the Cerebral Spinal Fluid (CSF). In its place Methotrexate will be inserted so that it can fight any potential cancer in the brain fluid. Once labs come back from the sample it will be determined how many doses of this treatment I will need.
You will have to forgive me for my lack of zeal this morning. The Lp’s are of all the procedures in the hospital, the most dreaded for several reasons. It will take some adjustment to this new found physical state to really feel quite settled I think. At any rate there is goodness abounding. I am so grateful for the excellent care I am receiving from everyone here. I also take solace in knowing that the most difficult of the procedures and other complications in life will get taken care of in a 24 hour period. Granted I will have several of these but this one will be behind me and us quite soon.
Also I am excited for the return of my love. She is just days away from joining me in this battle and not a moment too soon. Pray for her safety if you will, and also for the condition of her heart. Those that know her know of her beautiful soul and ability to care. However with this the burden will be something new to manage. I am so grateful to her and for her and know she can rise to the task.
Alright, well I am beginning to dose off but wanted to get this off. I hope whatever it is you are working on today, you will find confidence in and the strength to overcome even the smallest of things that beset you.
Take care and Have Heart- c
5 comments:
Chad, Just rest and know that tomorrow, today will be behind you. It's okay to feel physical depression. It wouldn't be normal if you didn't. You have a lot going on, you are fighting a battle, and a facing several obstacles during your fight. Just have faith that this will soon be behind you, and hopefully your cancer will be gone for good! Myself, my cousin,my church and my friends are praying hard for you, and praying for Anna as well. It sounds like she is an amazing person and your love for each other will help carry you both through this difficult journey. You are entitled to tears, to depression, to fears...it doesn't mean you are not strong! You are the strongest person I know, and your spirit is amazing. When it gets too much, just curl up in Gods lap for awhile, and let him give you comfort and rest. And know, there are so many of us, outside that hospital that are praying, supporting, sending positive vibes, and loving you through it all. And always remember C is STILL for Chad Not Cancer. Love you my friend, so very much.
Chad. Name the I.V. pole "Deeeaaaamnit!" Thats what I thought my name was till i was like eleven. Its now my favorite explitive. At least its the one that comes to mind when I do things like kick the fridge on accident with barefeet. You have to emphasize the first syllable and barely mention the second one. Hang in there brother. Thanks for the updates.
Rivers
God is your caretaker this third round. Other caretakers need to be professionals. It is too hard for someone close to you to do. They will drown trying to save you.
The only way for someone close to you to survive this is to get on with their own life as you are on with yours.
If you really love someone, you will insist they do this.
Take care and Have Heart.
Take care Chad. I wish you well in your journey. Hang tough and rely on God.
My son is also on this cancer journey. He is nearing the end of treatment for a relapsed brain tumor. Isaac is 11 years old - diagnosed 4 years ago.
With Hope,
Karen
www.caringbridge.org/visit/isaachatfield
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