I awoke without sleeping. Its strange how in those times when you know that a storm has returned to take everything, rest is not really an option. There is a jumpy sensation in your nerves and a sickening feeling I cant describe, that holds you in every moment. You try to sit like this, try to rationalize, understand or at least make it work, and nothing.
And then the phone call comes, and the world shatters again. The bubble breaks and you are left broken crying, trying to understand. There is no stomaching the fear, there is no holding in the terror. What Cancer didn’t quite take from you before is now threatening worse than ever. And not only that, you are quite certain you won’t have the strength to do it again. A year ago today I sat with a dear friend and talked about the real possibility of not being alive in a few months. Leukemia was back, more aggressive than ever and chemo alone would not work.
I could write for pages to try to explain to you the feelings the fears and disappointment I had, but it would not convey my point. Everything I had worked for, every pill i had taken for 2.5 years, and the months spent living in the hospital; what was it all for? Had i lost everything?
These were the thoughts I had as I stood holding myself rocking back and forth. I had just spoken with the doctors, and it was clear to me that my options were very limited, very difficult and this time the cancer held little regard for anything.
I will tell you now, for me I felt done. There was nothing innately within me that could have propelled me into this hell again. And then as i sat staring up at 11 long, the wing i had fought from, nearly died in, and learned the most important lessons of my life from; I remembered. I remembered the love offered, the prayers rendered, the examples set by those fighting every day for the same freedom, and i cried. It had been the hardest path i had ever known, and yet the things i had learned, the people i now new, i loved.
And now more than ever i had someone to fight for, the chance to have her forever was just within reach.
I felt my soul being tried to its core, and i just prayed that if i would have faith, that throughout the pain, the planned physical torture, and the unknown, i would be comforted.
so we began...
3 more months of Intensive Chemo
5 days of full body radiation
The Eutopicide treatment
The Bone Marrow Transplant
14 days of mucositus
A pulmonary embolism, and Months of Intense GVHD
And now months of limited movement, pain, an inability to be in the sun, drug complications, infections, diabetes, steroid withdrawal and so much more.
I would be lying if i said any of this was easy, or remotely fair.
However i will say while this has been the most difficult and trying 12months i have ever experienced, i have been more blessed in 12 months than i thought i could be in my life.
i have been so loved, and cared for this year by so many. the heartfelt concern and commune to above in my behalf i have felt every day. i know that i dont deserve nearly this treatment but am so grateful for it.
i married Anna, and with all the unknowns in the world, i have a beautiful constant one that will eternally bring me joy.
And I am aware now more than ever that I am Loved, that God is watching, and will provide.
if your just reading this for the first time or you have been following for 4 years, know that even in the most physically difficult time of rehab i have ever had, i am joyful. i am grateful, i am blessed, and throughout a literal physical and emotional hell, giving up is not an option.
Thank you for your prayers, your love and your ability to lift me on the days when it truly impossible to do so myself. Thank you to my doctors and caretakers. And thank you to my sister Erin and her ridiculously strong cells; while they rip me apart, I am alive because of them.
I don’t think i could have ever been as grateful as I am today for anything until i lost everything.-
Have Heart, C is still for Chad-
