A Special Thanks

I remember sitting in the sand looking out to the ocean. Just hours before my life had changed drastically, and as I took in the landscape I scarce found the strength to breathe. In those precious hours between hearing the words and coming to some sort of terms that it was real, I remember so many thoughts and fears came to mind. You cant really begin to wrap your head around It right away but its there each time you wake up, just waiting to be your new reality, waiting to take you.
And yet in this I remember a deep feeling of purpose beginning to emerge. You see days before I had decided I would be leaving Hawaii for good. I had been so sick for months and new very distinctly that I was ill and was fairly certain I was in all actuality dying of something. The news was nothing less than shattering but in it I found an answer I had sought for with the urgency of my fading self.
While with so many trials in life there is a directive that we must endure solely and faithfully this news brought with it a message that for the next year doctors, nurses, and a whole team would be doing there best to bring me in from the darkness. For the previous months I had been alone in a place of loss and struggle and now I would be receiving the much needed attention.
Each phase of this journey has had its difficult moments, periods, and climbs that have been unbearable. I have found that while the physical lashing offered by the inpatient chemotherapy is devastating it has not equaled the strife brought from the day to day living with the outpatient regiment. I realize now the constant caretaking found in the long hospital stays offered a bit of consistency even in struggle, that was manageable. But admittedly the fight for existence out of the hospital involves so many other facets before unseen in some way this is understandable.
I share this with you to show the situation in which I have found myself in for the past many months so that you might better understand the gratitude I have for the graciousness you have extended me. Sarah shared with me the fundraiser idea some time after its creation and words can scarce capture the peace it has brought to me.
It is not simply that from this there has been a reduction of some of my bills related to this fight but rather the gesture made by those I love, and also by those who just are loving. There is a sweet feeling when in your darkest hour someone can sit with you and be present. While this is for obvious reasons not always possible the outpouring of love and support from this has helped me on multiple days that were just that.
While I cannot thank each of you personally for your love and sharing with me please know that each of you have impacted me for the better. This battle has so much time still to wage and I am grateful to know that so many are mindful of me in this great time of need. I pray that for each of you life is rewarding in the ways that you so desperately need as well. Thank you now and thank you always for the light each of you share with me continually through this dark time.

the path traveled

For some time i have been meaning to write. there seems to be an urging within me to address all of those souls that have been in my service and support for the past year of my life. however i regret to say it has been difficult to really be able to compose something that could rightfully depict my current position in the fight against cancer and my battles that have waged. so please forgive me if this for any of you is not fully encompassing or paints a full picture of the great and small things of this year.
I must start by saying, wow, what a year. there are not really words to say all of the things that i feel about all of my treatment and care. i could talk for hours about the nights that nurses stayed with my through the vomit, tears, breathing difficulties, codes called, and near death experiences. i could tell you about the doctors that through days weeks and months Never stopped fighting and believing in me and the other patients at the hospitals i lived at. or i could tell you about all of the "wisdom" i have attained in the clutches of death, but i fear it would be a stretch to assume even that.
Instead i will say this. one year ago this week i was told i had an expiration date. i watched my biggest dream be ripped away from me and the darkest and most difficult fight of my life beset me. i watched great and terrible things happen to my body and spirit. i felt the fear as you hear and see you heart rate drop. i have held the hand of loved ones as i felt my lungs close in on themselves. i have felt so many drugs come into my system that took from me everything to even sanity. and i have watched in the mirror as i changed in every way. and yet with all of this i stand today. i walk today, not perfect but in remission. i live today knowing that the darkness which has threatened every aspect of my life is at bay, it is not gone but away. i will stay on a treatment regiment which continues to make life hard, but will point out, i am Alive.
Through 160 days in the hospital, over 15 insertions into my spine, countless bone marrow biopsies, gallons of chemo, hundreds of opiates, antibiotics, transfusions, and various procedures i remain. I want the doctors and nurses and friends and family that have stayed by me to know, of my deepest gratitude. thank you for making my life mine again. may i live in a way that honors the effort of all of you as well as that of my own.
And if i may make mention to a special group. to all those that i have lived with, suffered with and grown with. to all those that are still in the fight and to those that have lost or will to this awful darkness. I am honored to have known and know the great battle that you and i share. the horror of this awful disease is something i could never have understood in any sort of way but in person. i have been so blessed to see so many courageous warriors fight every day in the halls of 11long just to stay alive. please know those memories we share last forever, and you are so brave. i have never seen such strength as those that have fought and still are. and i want those that have lost loved ones and those who have given everything for the research in this fight to know of my personal gratitude for the sacrifice. there is no way for some to live without others to fall and i am so sorry for the loss and want you to know that the memory and love for those that have gone on before is never far from my heart. it is what fuels me these days and always. may God rest the souls of those that have fought till the end.
And so what now right? i have asked myself that much as of late and each time the same thing happens. this smile comes to me, from the deepest part of my heart and i shake my head and think to myself, Just Live. i will continue in school and business and life, but everyday i am just so grateful to be alive, to be feeling a bit better daily, and to know of the journey that is still ahead in my life. thank you again, each of you that has helped me and known and shared in the darkness and given to me pieces of light when it seemed impossible for this to happen. i pray for the health and safety for all you and please know even if i don't write, or properly thank you, you are my life. each day the memories of your goodness, of your giving, and sacrifice is what fills my cup. i could never thank each of you for the gifts of life that you share but hope that in my life i may give and live just as so many of you.

oh and one last thing..... Chad 1 Cancer 0

My Day 11/29/08

a year ago i layed in a bed in at Stanford gripping tightly as a hand drill was used to dig into my hip bone. as the blood oozed from the wound and as the doctor repeatedly got stuck and had to start over i thought of the long journey ahead and how along with the pain i felt in ways already i could not explain, that one day i would not lay in pieces. that one day i would stand and not waiver on any level. while today my cells are still augmented and challenged by chemotherapy i do not find myself in pieces. i do not lay in bed surrounded by blood, vomit, or covered in IV lines. Today i stand tall, I stand for me, and i stand with the strength of thousands that know of the same horror of facing death and smiling in its awful existence. today i continue to live with the knowledge that this time is precious, this time is God given, and this time, Its MY TIME! While some journeys are not completed by there markings of Remission, some battles are. While the chemo is not over, the terror of wondering everyday if i will survive is. The hours laying in bed crying in fear, the shaking on the floor and praying for death as a way out are no more. My heart is filled with sorrow for those that still find themselves called to this horrific trial, and i pray to God that they might have the success and strength i have found in Him. But for today just today November 29th 2008, and every November 29th to come, i will Rejoice unabashedly. i will cry out to heaven in thanks and know that I am heard That i am watched over, and that I Chad Hickey am still Here and Still Alive. My only hope is that on this day i might live as mightily as those i have learned from in my darkness. the ones that have gone before, the friends, and patients that have succeeded in their own battles, and who never succumb to letting cancer take from them more than their bodies. May God grant me this serenity is my hope, and my prayer is one of thanks.